BEREAVEMENT
THE GRIEVING PROCESS
When a person experiences a significant loss, in particular
death, there is a period of grieving. The process of grieving involves four
basic tasks:
Accept the reality of the loss
- speak of the loss
- tell the story
- view the body
- attend the funeral
- permission to grieve
Experience the pain
- express emotions
- no taboos on emotions, e.g. anger, guilt
- mentors, support people non judgmental, accepting
- normalise grief
- physical contact
Adjust to the new reality
- rearrange family/peer roles
- reorganise needs
Re invest energy back into life
- continue the relationship in a new form
- form new attachments
In your relationship with young people who are grieving, you may notice changes
in their behaviour, thinking and feelings, as they work through each of the
tasks.
According to the latest literature on grieving, it is
necessary to achieve these tasks in order to be able to move on with life.
REACTIONS TO LOSS AND GRIEF
Adolescence is a period of transition from childhood to
adulthood. It includes natural losses and gained opportunities. When there is
bereavement, there is an additional loss with associated grief, which compounds
the demands of this life stage.
During adolescence, it is important for young people to
identify with their peers, rather than feel different from them. Therefore it is
hard for them to continue to connect with their peers when a significant person
has died. They may feel internal isolation. At face value they may seem to be
coping, particularly to their friends, but life has changed for them.
Following are some very common signs and symptoms of grief in
adolescence. Many of the atypical reactions which may be displayed are generally
normal responses to a traumatic event.
Each person's response is unique and a wide range of
reactions is possible.
Note: We ask parents to contact the Campus Director or
Year Level Leader if there is a death in the family so that the College can take
the appropriate steps to ensure support for the young person.
| Physical |
Thinking |
Emotional |
Behavioural |
| Nausea |
Slow thinking |
Anxiety |
Apathy |
| Upset stomach |
Difficulty making decisions |
Fear |
|
|
| |
Difficulty in problem solving |
|
|
| Tremors(lips, hands) |
Confusion |
Guilt |
Restlessness |
| Feeling uncoordinated |
Disorientation (especially to place and time) |
Grief |
Isolating self from others |
| Profuse sweating |
|
Depression |
Increased use of alcohol/tobacco/drugs |
| Chills |
Difficulty calculating |
Sadness |
Increase in black humour |
| Diarrhoea |
Difficulty concentrating |
Feeling lost |
Absence from school |
| |
Memory problems |
|
|
| Dizziness |
|
Feeling abandoned |
|
| Chest pain (should be checked at hospital) |
Difficulty naming common objects |
Feeling isolated |
Acting differently |
| Rapid heart beat |
Seeing the event over and over |
Worry about others |
Avoiding television and newspapers |
| Rapid breathing |
Distressing dreams |
Wanting to hide |
Regressing to childish behaviour |
| Increased blood pressure |
Poor attention span |
Wanting to limit contact with others |
Giggling |
| Headaches |
Denial, disbelief |
|
Laughing at inappropriate times |
| Muscle aches |
Sense of presence of the person who died |
Anger |
Arguments and fights with friends |
| Sleep disturbance |
Challenging religious beliefs |
Irritability |
Impulsivity |
| |
|
Feeling numb |
|
| Painful menstruation |
Obsession with the details of the death |
Startled |
|
| Skin rashes |
|
Shocked |
|
| Tiredness - lack of energy |
|
Mood swings |
|
| Oversensitivity to noise |
|
Helplessness |
|
| Loss of sense of security |
|
Relief |
|
FACTORS THAT INFLUENCE THE WAY ADOLESCENTS GRIEVE
- Chronological age
- Emotional development or maturity
- Cognitive development
- Personal strengths and limits
- Relationship with the deceased
- Circumstances of the death
- Other concurrent stressful events
- Openness of the family system
- Family religious and cultural beliefs
- Existing support network
SOME DOS AND DON'TS IN THE WAY WE CARE FOR GRIEVING
PEOPLE
| DO'S |
DONT'S |
| Do listen and hear what is being said. |
Don't prevent the bereaved from speaking about their quilt or anger if they
need to. |
| Do acknowledge that each person's style of grieving will be unique |
Don't stifle the grieving person's desire to talk about the deceased
repeatedly. |
| Do remember that nobody has to justify their feelings to you. |
Don't be turned off by repetitive knockbacks to your efforts to assist. |
| Do realise the bereaved has suffered a loss, even if you don't perceive it
as such. |
Don't give trite answers to the 'Why?' question. It is okay to say, 'I don't
know'. |
| Do allow the griever time to grieve. |
Don't tell them not to cry. What most people are saying is that 'you make me
uncomfortable when you cry'. That puts a burden on the people least able to
carry a burden. |
| Do allow the griever to have real memories of a relationship with the
deceased. |
Don't try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family
ties, etc.) about the death. |
| Do encourage the griever to express emotion and to work through the grief. |
Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a
bereaved student. |
| Do remember that many who give support immediately after a death do not
always continue to give that support. |
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends and
others adds pain to an already intolerably painful experience) |
| Do recognise the intensity of grief that will be experienced at certain
significant times. |
Don't say you know how they feel. |
| Do encourage those who have a common grief to support one another if they
can. |
Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything else which
implies a judgment about their feelings. |
| Do remember that grief resulting from the loss of a beloved person often
lasts several years. |
|
| Do discourage bereaved persons from making major decisions and changes in
their life during the first year. |
|
| Do encourage them to be patient with themselves not to expect too much of
themselves and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves'. |
|